Well Hey There!
I’m going to be very real for a moment. I deal with PTSD, it causes depression and anxiety in alternating strokes. It’s hard to deal with, it’s hard to do anything around it, it’s hard to motivate with it.
And yet, I’m still here, still writing, still trying to create something worth putting out into the world.
Earlier today, for most of my working day, I have been struggling to write and article that I have, in truth, been working on for most of the week. It’s personal, it’s political, and it requires me to put myself out there in a way that is uncomfortable and frightening.
I also think it deserves to be written and deserves to be shared.
But it isn’t what I’m writing right now. You see, I have also been struggling with a mental health crisis the last several months precipitated by the car crash I wrote about in more detail several months ago.
But one of the biggest struggles has not been writing, I do that all the time, it hasn’t been finances, I saved to make taking a shot at this possible, it hasn’t been interpersonal, my partner is the most loving and supportive human I have ever met, my friendships are stronger now than ever before, my family cares about me and also supports this attempt.
My biggest struggle has been going for this dream, still being depressed and anxious, and feeling like a failure because of it. Life is as close to what I want as it has ever been. The missing pieces are small, the benefits are huge. It often feels like I can’t possibly do this without loving every second of it.
That isn’t true.
Mental health crisis is a part of life. So is hardship, lack of motivation, and difficulty finding inspiration.
I don’t want to hide those things. This work is difficult. It doesn’t yet pay. It takes me doing research, writing well, and being honest with myself and with you.
I am learning, all the time. And I am often overwhelmed.
And yet it is still worth it.
I’m writing this to repeat and to emphasize a bit of wisdom that is often repeated, but, I think, less often listened to. It is okay to be depressed. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to occasionally be unhappy.
Your depression defines neither you nor what you do.
Even when your depression or anxiety becomes difficult to manage, when it makes you second guess everything, it is still not all that you are.
You can do great things while depressed.
You can be a wonderful person while depressed.
You can be fulfilled and make meaning in your life, while depressed.
It’s trite, it’s true, and I often need the reminder myself.
So. I’m posting this instead of the article I have been working on all week. That article is coming, as are future posts about the Just World Hypothesis, updates on my other writing endeavors, Cool Things Other People Do, and much much more. Because my depression and PTSD is not going to stop me from being the person I want to be and doing the things I want to do.
I hope you are well.
I’ll be keeping a light on.
R.
IlluminatedChaos 